Parents Who Sent a Child Away: Guilt, Accountability, and How to Help Your Adult Child Now

Years ago, you made a decision you believed would save your child. Maybe a counselor or an educational consultant recommended it. Maybe a brochure, a website or an intake call described a safe, therapeutic place with caring staff and a clear path home. You were scared, and you trusted people who said they could help.

Now your son or daughter is an adult, and they are telling you what really happened there. It may be hard to hear. You may feel grief, anger, confusion or deep guilt.

This article is for parents in Los Angeles, the Westside, Beverly Hills, Calabasas, the Valley, the South Bay, Orange County and beyond who sent a teen to a wilderness program, residential treatment center, therapeutic boarding school, youth ranch or similar placement. It is not here to blame you. It is here to help you support your adult child and understand what options may exist.

You were making a decision with the information you had

Many parents made these choices during a crisis, under time pressure, and with information that came largely from the program side. Families often relied on marketing materials, admissions staff, consultants or referral sources they had no reason to doubt.

Concerns about how some programs present themselves to parents are not new. In 2008, the U.S. Government Accountability Office testified to Congress on "Selected Cases of Death, Abuse, and Deceptive Marketing" in residential programs for troubled youth. For that work, GAO investigators posed as parents and called programs and related services to look for deceptive marketing or questionable practices. GAO noted that its results applied only to the programs it reviewed.

If you were misled, that is something that was done to you. It does not erase what your child went through, but it is part of the honest picture.

Guilt and accountability are not the same thing

Guilt tends to turn inward. It can make a parent defensive, withdrawn or so focused on their own pain that the child ends up comforting them.

Accountability turns outward. It sounds like:

• "I believe you."
• "I didn't know, and I wish I had."
• "I'm sorry you went through that."
• "I want to understand, at whatever pace you want to share."

You can hold yourself accountable for your part without carrying the whole weight of what a program did. Your child may need to hear both: that you own your decision, and that the people who harmed them are responsible for their own conduct.

How to support an adult child who is disclosing

Listen first

Let your child lead. Avoid correcting details, defending the program, or explaining why you made the choice, at least in the first conversations. There may be room for that later, if your child wants it.

Don't push for every detail

Some survivors share in pieces over months or years. Pressing for specifics can feel like another loss of control. Let them know the door is open.

Respect their choices

Your adult child gets to decide whether to report, whether to talk with a lawyer, whether to speak publicly, and who else in the family knows. Offer support without steering.

Take care of yourself separately

Your feelings matter, but your child should not have to manage them. A therapist of your own, a support group, or a trusted friend can give you a place to process guilt and grief.

Be careful with what you say in writing

Text messages and emails to relatives can be shared further than you expect. Keep sensitive details out of group chats and social media, and let your adult child decide what is shared and with whom.

The family may have legal options too

When people think about troubled-teen cases, they usually think of the survivor's claims. Those may be the most important claims in a case, and they belong to your adult child.

Parents may sometimes have their own claims as well, depending on the facts and the law that applies. In general terms, these can include:

• Fraud or intentional misrepresentation, where a program or someone acting for it made statements it knew were false to get you to enroll.
• Negligent misrepresentation, where false statements were made without a reasonable basis for believing them.
• Concealment, where facts that should have been disclosed were hidden.
• Breach of contract, where the program did not provide what it promised.
• Consumer-protection claims under state law.

California's Civil Code, for example, describes deceit as including the assertion of something untrue as a fact, the suppression of a fact by one who is bound to disclose it, and a promise made without any intention of performing it. Other states have their own rules, and which state's law applies can depend on where the program was, where you were when you enrolled, and what the contract says.

Whether any claim exists, and whether it is still timely, depends on specific facts, documents and deadlines. Deadlines vary by state, claim and defendant, and some can be short. That is why an early, confidential conversation with a lawyer can help.

What to gather (without opening old wounds)

If you still have them, set aside:

• Enrollment contracts and payment records
• Brochures, emails and screenshots of program websites
• Notes from calls with the program, consultants or transport services
• Letters, progress reports and treatment plans
• Names of programs, dates and locations

Store originals safely. You do not need to read through everything right now.

How a lawyer and the family's therapist can work together

Legal work and healing can happen at the same time, and each should respect the other's role.

• The survivor stays in control. Your adult child decides whether and how to move forward. Their own therapist can help them pace the process.
• Consent comes first. A lawyer should only speak with a therapist after the client signs a written release that says what may be shared.
• Therapy is not case-building. Therapists help with healing. Lawyers handle the legal questions. Keeping those roles separate protects both.
• Family therapy can help. Some families find a family therapist useful for rebuilding trust while a survivor considers legal options.

Frank Stucki, Esq., MBA focuses on institutional and troubled-teen abuse cases. In a confidential consultation, a survivor or family can ask about deadlines, privacy and options at their own pace, and decide later whether to take any step.

Please don't put sensitive details in web forms or emails. A short message asking for a call back is enough. Details can be discussed by phone in a confidential conversation.

FAQ

My adult child is angry with me. Should I still bring up legal options?

You can mention that options may exist and that you would support them, then let it rest. The decision is theirs. Some survivors want to talk with a lawyer on their own, without parents involved.

Can I contact a lawyer even if my child hasn't decided?

Yes, about your own questions. A lawyer will generally need to speak with your adult child directly about their claims, and will respect their privacy.

The program closed or changed its name. Does that end any case?

Not necessarily. Programs sometimes close, rename or change owners. A lawyer can look into who operated the program and who may be responsible.

We live in California, but the program was in another state. Who can help?

Frank Stucki, Esq., MBA is licensed in California, Nevada, Washington and Utah. Families and survivors can reach out from anywhere, and cases in other states are handled with local co-counsel licensed there.

Get a confidential review

You cannot change the past, but you can show up for your child now. Start a confidential case review at pchinjurylaw.com or call (310) 299-9PCH.

Frank Stucki, Esq., MBA is licensed in California, Nevada, Washington and Utah; cases in other states are handled with local co-counsel licensed there.

This article is general information, not legal advice. Reading it does not create an attorney-client relationship. Attorney Advertising.

Sources

• https://www.gao.gov/products/gao-08-713t
• https://www.gao.gov/products/gao-08-146t
• https://law.justia.com/codes/california/code-civ/division-3/part-3/section-1710
• https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/privacy/guidance/personal-representatives/index.html